McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder

A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo…" Then, the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then, the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then, the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat..."

Flat Tire

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, they didn't know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you're upset, but you must not use such language." "I'm sorry, Sister," he said. He tried again, but it slipped, almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled again. "Sir, please, don't use such language. If changing our tire causes you to use such language, then perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us." "But, Sister, I get so upset and the words just come out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'" The trucker tried to jack up the car one more time. Again, it slipped. He started, "Son-of..." but quickly corrected himself and continued, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the jack lifted the car by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"