The Damn Geezer

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 10 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Real Dear Abby Excerpts

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.

Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

Regards, Carol

Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?

Thanks, Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?

Help, Annie

Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Regards, Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write?

Ted

Dear Ted,
The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

Regards, Rose

Dear Rose,
So would I.

Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

Bess

Dear Bess,
Night and Day!