Happy Hour

A guy walks into a pub and grabs a seat at the bar. The bartender asks the patron, "What can I get you?" "Whiskey!" The bartender sets him up and keeps on working. The patron slams down the shot and places the empty glass on the bar. "That'll be $4.25, sir," says the bartender to the patron. "Hell, no!" replies the patron. "You asked me what I wanted and I told you. You gave it to me and you mentioned nothing about cost!" The bartender steps back in surprise and looks down the bar at the other customers. "He's right," explains one gentleman. "I'm a lawyer and he's got every right to refuse to pay under those circumstances." Furious, the bartender yells at the patron, "Get the hell outta' my bar!". The patron gladly obliges. Some time later, the bartender is surprised to see the Same patron back at the bar. "Listen, pal, I thought I just told you to get outta' here!" "Oh, no, it couldn't have been me." The bartender leans back, crosses his arms and says, "Oh, really! Then you must have a double!" "Thanks," says the patron, "and give my lawyer friend one too!"

Real Resume And Cover Letter Excepts

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free To respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.