Chickens

A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says, "Howdy. How'd you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?" "You know, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?" "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills." "Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "Word has it you guys screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..." The boy interrupts in a very resentful tone, "Chickens?"

Medical Advances

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb [small fireworks], put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work. The man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

News Flash

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right!"

Clever Poet

There were once two people traveling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two. The scientist was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. he finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window. "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer? What goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The poet calmly put a $5 bill into the scientist's Hand and replied "I don't know."

Ladies Room

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. Then, the woman seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full, bushy beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "No, mam," replies the barkeep. "Can you get him for me, please? I need to speak with him," continues the woman, all the while running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "Is there anything I can do?" asks the barkeep. "Yes there is. I need you to give the manager a message," says the woman as she rubs his lips with her fingers. "Tell him that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies room."

The Pharmacist

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. While at the cash register, he bursts into laughter and then walks out of the store with his purchase. The next day, the man walks into the drugstore and again buys condoms. Again, he pays for his purchase and then walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he comes in. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and again walks out laughing with his purchased condoms. The assistant follows him and then returns some twenty minutes later. "So, what’s the deal? Did you follow him? asks the pharmacist. "Yep." "Well, where did he go?" "Your house."

Delayed Flight

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain Announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we still have two engines left." An hour later, the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry, we have one engine left." The one blonde looked at the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."